


fear of falling apart

by Flowerparrish



Series: this is the beat of my heart [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: AU of an AU, Beacon Hills Lacrosse Team, M/M, No Powers AU of a Teen Wolf AU, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:41:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27568444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flowerparrish/pseuds/Flowerparrish
Summary: Neil can’t breathe.There was one a time when not a day went by that he didn’t feel this way.
Relationships: Neil Josten & David Wymack, Neil Josten & Kevin Day, Pre-Neil Josten/Seth Gordon, Seth Gordon & Neil Josten
Series: this is the beat of my heart [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2015101
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	fear of falling apart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SashaSea (SHCombatalade)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SHCombatalade/gifts).
  * Inspired by [you looked at death in a tarot card (and you saw what you had to do)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18904843) by [SashaSea (SHCombatalade)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SHCombatalade/pseuds/SashaSea). 



> For Alex, who might be the Seth to my Neil (or am I the Seth to their Neil?)
> 
> Also, I swear this pairing makes sense if you've read the Teen Wolf AU "you looked at death in a tarot card (and you saw what you had to do)" by SashaSea, in which Neil and Seth bond and I have a lot of feelings. So I wrote an AU about them. 
> 
> This will not make much sense if you haven't read that, but feel free to ?? enjoy this anyway
> 
> Title from This is Gospel by PatD

Neil can’t breathe.

There was one a time when not a day went by that he didn’t feel this way. He got so used to it, even at a young age, that he just got up and kept going even though his vision was narrowed into tunnels and spotty at times, even though his chest felt like it wasn’t receiving oxygen with each breath in, even though the thudding of the heartbeat in his chest felt loud enough that he thought it might burst free and leave him behind, an empty shell waiting to die.

He’s rarely felt like that in the last handful of years; his mother abandoned him when he was ten, and he felt like he was going to shake apart most days before that, and every day after, until one day he didn’t. Because he had Kevin, and the bond between them was unshakeable enough to steady even the rapid beating of his rabbit heart, until every room had enough oxygen if Kevin was in it. That circle expanded, too, if barely, to include Wymack (who he does _not_ call Dad because he has a father and that man is _nothing_ like Wymack) and even Abby, who is Kevin’s basically-Mom but not his because he also has a mother, and this is not her. So, Wymack can never fill his father’s shoes because he’s not a bastard and could never hurt Neil, and Abby can never fill his mother’s because she’s here, and he doesn’t know how he feels about it most days, so he doesn’t think about it.

He’s never had a brother, though, until one day he wakes up with Kev’s arm across his stomach where he’s fallen asleep in Neil’s bed _again_ after they stayed up late playing video games and then whispering into the darkness for hours. And he realizes he _does_ have a brother, and also a Wymack and an Abby, and maybe that’s all the family he needs.

These are the places his mind goes as it spirals away from the present, where he is curled in a back cupboard of the school’s gymnasium because he was showering after lacrosse practice when he realized he couldn’t breathe. Everyone else is gone, because Neil always showers last, helps clean up and finds excuses to be left alone, so Neil had shoved his lithe frame into gym shorts and a cotton tee that must be Kevin’s because it’s almost as long as the shorts and hangs off his smaller frame. And then he’d found somewhere close and dark and _safe,_ and he’d buried his face in his knees, and he’d tried to remember how to _breathe._

He doesn’t know how long he’s been there when he hears a voice calling out, but he’s too far detached from reality to tell who it is. He can’t make a noise, anyway, and thinks absently that they’ll go away eventually when they can’t find him.

But then, an indeterminate amount of time later, the door to the closet slams open and light floods in. Neil can see the change in brightness even with his eyes squeezed shut and his face pressed against his knees, and it makes his whole-body flinch and huddle up even tighter.

“What the _fuck,_ Josten?” a voice demands, and Neil almost places it before he loses the thread of recognition.

He just shakes his head a little and curls up even tighter.

He jumps when a warm weight settles next to him, so close he can feel heat off of their body, but the person doesn’t try to touch him. They just sit there and, after a few minutes, they begin to talk.

Neil can’t really keep track of what’s being said; his mind is here, there, everywhere; but the crux of the matter is that the voice gives him something to tether himself to until he’s ready to come back to the present and face whatever sent him into flight mode.

And then, slowly, he becomes aware that this is _Seth_ sitting next to him, telling him lacrosse plays he’s been thinking over this summer. It’s too close to the thing that sent Neil running in the first place, and he shudders again, but Seth’s voice doesn’t waver. He just keeps talking.

Finally, Neil manages to grit out, “What are you doing here?” His voice is rough and cracks on the words.

He wants to pick up his head and glare. But he can’t quite find the energy to lift the leaden weight of his body, so he doesn’t, just breathes through waves of annoyance and rage and something he doesn’t want to acknowledge underneath all of that.

Of course, it would be the one person he dislikes most in the school who found him like this. What he doesn’t, can’t, comprehend is why Seth is being so… _nice_ about it.

“Looking for you,” Seth says, as if that makes any sense.

“Why?”

“Kevin’s freaking out. He asked if I stuffed you in a locker or something.” Seth snorts, as if the idea is ridiculous.

It’s absolutely not, but whatever.

“So you came looking for me so, what, you can give it a shot?”

Seth shoves his shoulder, but Neil’s body doesn’t move. He’s more than adequate at standing his ground, even sitting down. “No, asshole.” Neil snorts at the insult even if he knows it’s true. They’re both assholes, though, so it’s very much a pot calling a kettle and all of that nonsense.

“My brother had panic attacks,” Seth adds after a bit. It’s not an answer to Neil’s question, at least not the spoken one. It answers his unspoken question nicely though.

Neil sighs. “Haven’t had one in years.”

Seth makes a sound that doesn’t say much of anything except that he’s listening. Neil finds himself worn out, though, and with nothing more to say on this subject. Instead, he says, “It won’t work.”

“What?”

“The play. The last one. It won’t work the way you have it planned out, but I can tell you how to fix it.”

He waits for Seth to punch him, but instead he just says, “Yeah, I thought you might have an idea what to do with it. What do I gotta do to get you to share with the class, smartass?”

Neil laughs, the sound scratchy and raw. “Call us even.”

“Deal.”

So he spends time detailing his amendments to Seth’s play, and at some point his lifts his head up so he can watch Seth’s face in the dim light of the now cracked door and see if he’s understanding. Neil eventually lifts his arms, as well, so he can gesture out the trickier bits.

“Damn,” Seth says when he’s done talking. “This is why I said it should be you.”

Neil’s stomach drops. “Said what should be me?”

Seth’s gaze is sharp and challenging; he knows that Neil knows what he means. “Day’s a better player, but you can strategize. Would’ve been better for the team.” He shrugs. “Or so I thought. Coach didn’t agree.”

“But you and Kevin get along,” Neil points out. It’s what had driven him into this spiral in the first place; he’s never been able to share Kevin easily, and sharing even a modicum of Kevin’s affection with someone who Neil cannot consider an enemy, because he understands the weight of that word, but considers at best an annoyance and at worst a bitter rival? Well, no, Neil couldn’t handle that.

But he doesn’t want to take it out on Kevin’s smiling face, can’t be the kind of person who sees someone he loves thriving and tries to tear it apart with his sharp words, because they may not be knives but they might as well be weapons. It would be so easy to be a Butcher in his own right. And he refuses to allow that to happen, so he turned it inward until it created an earthquake at his core that shook him apart.

He hates even more that it’s Seth who held the pieces together.

“We’re not friends,” Neil says.

“No,” Seth agrees. “But maybe we don’t have to be enemies.”

Neil doesn’t correct him, doesn’t tell him that they were never enemies, because in Seth’s sheltered world, that is his truth. Neil won’t take that from him.

“Maybe.”

It’s all he can allow in this moment.

Seth seems to understand. At least, he doesn’t push. He just claps Neil on the shoulder and stands, kicking the door open with a foot and holding out a hand in offering to tug Neil to his feet.

Neil considers it for a few moments. Gestures, in his world, have always said more than words.

In the end, he is exhausted and sore and doesn’t feel like expending the energy it would take to push himself upright under his own power.

(In the end, he trusts Seth not to drop him on his ass.)

He takes Seth's hand.


End file.
